There are bumper stickers, and then there’s this one: “If I’m Not Speeding, Then I’m Not Maximizing Shareholder Value.” It’s the perfect marriage of unhinged capitalism and poor lane discipline. It says, “I own stock in six tech companies and three of them are currently suing me for insider trading.” It also says, “I think turn signals are for people who hate freedom.”
This sticker isn’t just a warning—it’s a mission statement. It belongs on the back of a Tesla driven by a guy named Chad who once tried to expense a Monster Energy drink as “client engagement.” When you see this sticker, just know: the driver sees every red light as a hostile takeover and every speed limit as a gross underutilization of RPM potential.
But let’s give credit where it’s due. This sticker is brutally honest. It doesn’t pretend to care about road safety, public good, or even common sense. No, it’s about profits. Margins. Hustle culture. And maybe a little bit of vehicular manslaughter if it means hitting quarterly targets. It’s capitalism in its rawest, most caffeinated form—and it’s headed for the fast lane at Mach 3.
