There comes a time in every friendship, relationship, or ongoing feud when you need to send a message that’s equal parts confusing, petty, and poetic. Enter the Happy Birthday Bag of Dicks—the only gift bold enough to say “I remembered your birthday and still think you’re a human traffic cone.” It’s not just a bag, and these aren’t just dicks. This is high-grade novelty nonsense, a meatless miracle of mischief, carefully crafted to ruin someone’s appetite and make their entire party gasp in horrified delight.
Sure, you could’ve gone with a heartfelt card, a gift card to Chili’s, or even a handmade scrapbook. But no—you chose to send a sack of schlongs. That’s commitment. That’s comedy. That’s the kind of psychological birthday surprise that lives rent-free in their group chat forever. Grandma might not approve, but you can be sure Aunt Karen hasn’t laughed this hard since she accidentally glued her eyelids shut in 2003.
So here’s to the brave few who mail candy-shaped genitalia in the name of celebration. You are the heroes this chaotic world needs. Happy Birthday? No. Happy legendary day. May your bag be full and your recipient appropriately emotionally destabilized.
