13 Offensively Funny Products That’ll Ensure You Skip Purgatory
Let’s face it—if you’re already on the express train to eternal damnation, you might as well laugh your way down. Whether you’re shopping for your most twisted friend or just want to spice up your gift-giving with a side of “WTF,” these hilariously inappropriate gifts from ShutUpAndTakeMyMoney.com will either make you a legend—or banned from future holiday parties.
1. Jar of F*cks
Literally a jar with the word “F*cks” inside. For that special someone who’s fresh out of any to give.
Why you’re going to hell: You gave someone emotional support… in the form of sarcasm.
2. Penis Whiskey Decanter (“Dickanter”)
Because nothing says “cheers” like pouring your bourbon from glass genitals.
Why you’re going to hell: You just made your dad question everything about Father’s Day.
3. “Don’t Honk, I Will Cum” Bumper Sticker
Classy? No. Effective? Yes.
Why you’re going to hell: You made traffic way more uncomfortable.
4. Swamp Ass Green Ogre Candle
Smells like onions, regret, and possibly a cease-and-desist from DreamWorks.
Why you’re going to hell: You gave someone body odor as a gift.
5. Nature’s Cock Shots 2025 Calendar
Twelve months of Mother Nature’s most unfortunately shaped formations.
Why you’re going to hell: You sexualized a tree.
6. Hide & Prank Meowy Glitter Bomb
It’s glitter. It’s everywhere. It’s eternal.
Why you’re going to hell: Your friend is still vacuuming six months later.
7. I Have a Dig Bick Hat
Wait for it. You read it wrong, didn’t you?
Why you’re going to hell: You made a pun at the expense of public decency.
8. Pika Pepe Plush
An ungodly union of meme culture and Pokémon that never should’ve happened.
Why you’re going to hell: You broke copyright law and good taste.
9. JD Vance Meme Pillow
Perfect for political satire… or causing a Thanksgiving fistfight.
Why you’re going to hell: You weaponized home décor.
10. Gay Cruise Prank Package
Fake travel confirmation for the prankster with no conscience.
Why you’re going to hell: You gave your dad a heart attack thinking he’s booked for “Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.”
11. Please Don’t Do Ketamine Shirt
A helpful reminder—depending on who’s reading it.
Why you’re going to hell: You gave health advice in the worst way possible.
12. Cock Coasters (Set of 4)
They’re just coasters. That look like… yeah.
Why you’re going to hell: You made drinking coffee weird for everyone.
13. Flaming Biker Chick BBQ Chicken Stand™
She’s on fire. Literally. Holding a chicken.
Why you’re going to hell: You turned a cookout into a cursed ritual.
Listen, we all know you’re not making it to sainthood. But with these gifts, at least you’ll be the funniest one at the infernal bonfire. If someone opens one of these and says, “There’s a special place in hell for you,”—you did it right.
Now go forth, sinner. And shop like the morally bankrupt legend you are.
