There’s an epidemic happening on our roads, and I’m not talking about potholes or gas prices. No, I’m talking about the fragile souls who drive like a sudden gust of wind might ruin their entire day. The ones who see a yellow light and slam on their brakes like it’s a war crime to proceed. The ones who treat merging like it’s an ancient puzzle only the chosen one can solve.
Listen, I get it. You were raised on participation trophies and bedtime stories about the dangers of speed. But some of us have places to be. Some of us don’t have time for your “Oh no, 35 mph feels too fast” nonsense. It’s called the speed limit, not the speed suggestion.
And don’t even get me started on the left-lane squatters. You know who you are. You, with your silent war against acceleration, blocking traffic like you’re personally protecting the road from all forms of progress. If the car behind you has been flashing their lights for 20 minutes, that’s not a fun little game—that’s a warning that you’re about to get an angry Yelp review in real life.
Turn signals? Oh, what a novel concept! It’s almost as if other drivers would like to know if you’re suddenly deciding to veer into their lane like an indecisive squirrel. But no—why bother? You’d rather leave them guessing, living life on the edge. What’s next? Changing lanes with your eyes closed? Who needs communication when you can just create pure chaos?
And let’s discuss parking lot drama. If you take three attempts to back into a space while holding up an entire line of cars, you should be forced to carry a sign that says “I should have taken the bus”. It’s a parking spot, not a lunar landing. Just park. Straight. Quickly. Without the dramatic three-act play of hesitation, correction, and existential regret.
So, next time you feel like writing a Facebook post about how “people drive so aggressively these days,” take a long, hard look in the mirror. If you’re the reason traffic is slower than a dial-up connection in 1999, maybe—just maybe—it’s not the rest of us. It’s you.
