In a shocking turn of events, best-selling author and U.S. Senator JD Vance has officially become the nation’s foremost expert on etiquette for toddlers. This week, he released his highly anticipated new book, “Say Pwease & Tank You: A Guide to Grown-Up Manners for Big Boy Politicians.” Sources confirm that Vance’s new approach to diplomacy involves a solid mix of finger painting, nap time, and reminding Congress to share their snacks. “Why debate when you can say ‘pwease’ and hope for the best?” Vance declared at a press conference, holding a juice box with both hands like it was a symbol of bipartisan unity.
Vance’s revolutionary method of governance centers on transforming Capitol Hill into a giant preschool, complete with a timeout corner for anyone caught being “naughty.” According to insiders, the first senator to test the “Say Pwease” strategy was none other than Ted Cruz, who, after being told he couldn’t get what he wanted without saying “pwease,” threw a tantrum so legendary that the entire Senate floor was covered in graham cracker crumbs and spilled apple juice.
But the lessons don’t stop at “pwease.” Oh no, Vance has a full curriculum. For example, his “Tank You” initiative is specifically designed for world leaders. During a recent summit, Vance successfully negotiated a peace treaty by handing everyone participation stickers and teaching them how to clap for themselves after saying “tank you.” World peace may still be a distant dream, but at least now we can all agree on the importance of proper snack time etiquette.
JD’s team is also preparing a spin-off board game called “Don’t Be a Meanie Pants.” In this game, players navigate political situations by sharing blocks and choosing between using their “indoor voice” or taking a nap instead of filibustering. Mitch McConnell has already pre-ordered a copy, and there’s a rumor that President Biden has secretly been practicing his finger painting technique in anticipation of a playdate at the White House.
In conclusion, JD Vance is officially changing the game—one polite, toddler-inspired phrase at a time. Who knew that the solution to political gridlock was hiding in a kindergarten classroom all along? So next time you’re feeling frustrated with Washington, remember to take a deep breath, say “pwease,” and offer a juice box. You never know, it might just work.
