It’s that time again—the annual reminder that you’re another year older, but not necessarily wiser. “Happy Birthday, ya prick!” might sound harsh, but honestly, it’s probably the most accurate card you’ll get this year. Like a cactus, you’ve somehow managed to survive on minimal care, questionable hydration, and pure spite. And yet, here you are—still standing, still prickly, still refusing to admit your age.
Birthdays are weird. People buy you cake to distract from the existential crisis lurking beneath the frosting. Friends post unflattering photos of you like it’s a group sport, and your family acts shocked when you request “cash only.” And let’s not forget that one friend who gives you a plant, as if your track record with keeping things alive is even remotely encouraging.
The gifts are always… creative. A mug that says “You’re on mute.” A candle that smells like “regret and vanilla.” Maybe a cactus—because, let’s face it, they saw this card and thought, oh, that’s literally them. You can take the hint or embrace it: prickly on the outside, but weirdly loveable once people learn how not to touch you wrong.
So here’s to you, the cactus among houseplants. May your day be filled with bad decisions, loud laughter, and just enough tequila to make you text your ex a heartfelt “Happy Halloween” by mistake. You might be a prick—but you’re our prick, and the party wouldn’t be nearly as fun without you.
