Just when you thought politics couldn’t get any weirder, someone slapped an “Edward Cullen for President” bumper sticker on their car, and now we’re all collectively reconsidering our life choices. That’s right—Edward Cullen, the sparkly vampire who spent most of his time in a brooding stare-off with a werewolf, might just be the presidential candidate we never knew we needed. Sure, he’s a 100-year-old vampire with control issues, but hey, it worked for Congress, right?
Let’s be honest—Edward’s campaign slogan basically writes itself: “Eternal Life. Eternal Leadership.” Forget term limits; this guy doesn’t even have a heartbeat. While other politicians are busy aging, forgetting names, and getting caught in scandals, Edward’s biggest controversy is whether or not he should have eaten that mountain lion on his last camping trip. And let’s not forget his ability to read minds. Talk about cutting through political spin! He’ll know what every voter wants before they even do. No more wondering if he’s just telling you what you want to hear—he already knows!
As for foreign policy, Edward Cullen has the ultimate advantage. Diplomatic tensions? No problem. He’s got superhuman strength, lightning-fast reflexes, and he glows in the sun! Can you imagine him at a UN summit? Every other world leader would be left speechless, either from his glittery complexion or his mysterious, smoldering gaze. And if negotiations go south? Well, let’s just say Edward isn’t the type to back down from a fight—especially if it involves saving Bella, uh, I mean, America.
Of course, his economic platform would be an interesting one. He’s been alive for over a century, so we can only assume he’s got a killer stock portfolio. Maybe he’ll create jobs by opening a chain of blood banks? The Treasury Department could just switch over to gold and jewels, which he’s probably accumulated in a secret vampire vault somewhere. Inflation? Never heard of it. He’s been 17 for 100 years, so clearly, nothing around him changes—not even his hair gel preferences.
So, next time you see that Edward Cullen for President bumper sticker on the back of a Prius, just remember: if America can handle reality TV stars in the White House, why not give a 100-year-old undead guy with a penchant for brooding a shot? Plus, if nothing else, at least we know he’ll look great in the campaign posters—because let’s face it, the vampire thing is a whole vibe.
